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Title: Vortex  
Reviewer: Natalie Dawn  
Overall rating: B
Female looks: n/a
Male looks: n/a
Sex: n/a
Plot/Acting: n/a
Extras: A
A/V Quality: n/a
 

Review:

I love Juli Ashton. I love Melanie Stone. I''m beginning to love Syren and Vicca. And Nici Sterling never ceases to amaze, even at times when I''m not all that interested. So, duh, I''m on board with this one before I''ve even put it on. Hell, the shot of Juli on the cover (she''s got such a doll face) had me tingly in the nether regions. And, true to form, Ms. Juli doesn''t even come close to disappointing. Nor does anyone else in this hilariously bad ripoff of about 14 sci-fi flicks and a whole mess of "Quantam Leap." But then, you don''t always watch porn for the clever story line or the special effects (and these consist of nothing more than flashing lights and some basic computer graphics). Still, the idea -- time travel, with Juli landing in the body of everyone from a saloon whore in 1873 to her mother in the early ''70s -- is amusing and enough to keep me interested. (Read: I didn''t fast forward.) It opens inexplicably with Tony Tedeschi tonguing Juli''s sweet slit. I have no idea what''s going on with the story, but so what? Juli is so delightful to watch (Tony''s OK, in a pasty white-boy way) that I wasn''t too concerned. Still, there''s a drawback, and it''s Tony. He eats pussy amusingly, much like a dog lapping water, but he can''t seem to deliver much of a cumshot, even though Juli is practically begging for a thick blast across her face. Regardless, better to move along. Things improve. The story picks up with evil scientist Mike Horner, speaking in the worst accent possible, preparing to test out the Vortex machine, a time-travel device of the most basic order. (As in, it''s just a damn steel chair, which characters sit in, then put a vegetable strainer on their head as if they''re being telepathically sent back in time. Whatever.) Long story short (and story doesn''t count here anyway), Juli is sent back in time instead of Mike, and the rest of the flick is a rather boobish attempt on the part of her crew to retrieve her. Not that she''s really having an unpleasant time. She first lands in the Old West, appearing as Nici Sterling and taking on drunken studs Kyle Stone and Dan Hardman (double yum). They give her the full once-over-twice-and-twice-more, as Nici sucks and fucks their lovely rods to a juicy dual climax on her nasty (in a great way) face. The sex is superb here, and I was really turned on by Nici''s old-time garb -- the knee-high pantaloons, the camisole, the feather cap and choker. Very tempting, I say. Kyle is the prefered cocksman of the two for me, if only because he always seems to be feeling his arousal from his head to toes, but Dave is hardly a slouch, and the double penetration they give Nici is worth the price alone here, stretching her tight holes in glorious ways. I''m jealous. A fine start. Meanwhile, back at Ground Zero, Tony is trying to reach Juli in time via Vicca, that impossibly leggy Euro babe that so many guys (rightly) adore. I dig her too; if only I could be a guy and be wrapped in those lovely gams. (Well, I could find a strap-on, you know.) Anyway, Vicca communicates Juli''s concern to Tony by strpping down to nothing but high heels (and damn those are cool shoes) then giving Tony a proper sucking. She can''t take him as deep down her throat as Juli, but hey, it''s not for a lack of trying. There''s some great pussy eating on Tony''s part (oh to be lapped by that lightning-fast tongue) and when the two start banging it sounds like the entire set is going to collapse around them. But once again, Tony undermines the power of the scene with a meager cumshot that dribbles onto Vicca''s cheek. Look, I''m not the sort of girl who requires a mega-blast with every scene, but once in a while would be nice, right? Back in the lab again, and more tomfoolery. This time Horner gets in the action and sends himself back in time. This somehow effects where Juli ends up, though don''t ask me why or how -- and don''t ask the cast. At one point, in a countdown backwards from 10, it seems like they forget 7 comes after 8. Geniuses. Juli apparently has become her mom, back in her soriority days, so we get her hanging out with Johnni Black and Rayveness at the dorms, talking about how she has one last initiation test. "I hope it''s not eating goldfish," she says. Well, no, Jules, but there is some form of fish involved. You can guess the rest, right: A fine three-way with dildos and spitting and tongue action galore. Not bad by my standards (and I keep ''em high, since I like to see cock more often than this sort of thing). Horner, meanwhile, has turned himself into the richest man in the world, who just happens to be Jonathan Morgan. (Following? Don''t worry, it''s not important if you don''t. Just know that someone''s about to get laid.) Morgan has two quite satisfying scenes, the first with big-lipped, big-titted Nikita and one of my personal faves, Melanie Stone (I can''t quite explain why she''s one of my faves, only to say that she''s very natural, very willing and reminds me of a girl I envied in high school who used to get more cock than she knew what to do with). The combos here are pretty great, especially when Melanie is getting slammed while eating the cream out of Nikita''s cunt. Very tasty. Jon returns the favor by showering their pressed-together faces with a tasty blast of his own out of that dandy dick. The other scene involves Jon and Syren, who I dig because of her naturalness as well -- full bouncy tits, hips, legs that aren''t perfectly toned but still sexy. She looks like the sort of chick most guys could really get in bed (so does Melanie for that matter), and that''s appealing to me. Real people fucking is usually just as hot (if not hotter) than the fiction we get in porn. Anyway, she bangs Jon with wild abandon, taking him deep doggy style and being rewarded with a full load to her mouth. The last scene has Juli, still time traveling, ending up in a black and white crime noir setting with Ian Daniels, who faithful readers will note never fails to get my clit glistening. Juli, on the other hand, had me reaching to finger myself -- good God does she look incredible in her gangster''s moll get-up. They go at it heavily, with Juli taking a full dicking up her sweet ass and scoring a load of Ian spread on her sexy tits. A wonderful scene that makes me wonder why some savvy director hasn''t done an entire flick in b&w. (Hey, I''d watch!) It''s left open-ended past that point, so I''m sure a sequel will follow, and computer geeks everywhere can rejoice. This is truly computer geek porn, which is just fine -- most computer geeks are cute, anyway, and they''re usually pent up with energy that I just love to unleash. Guess I''ll have to call up the ones I know, have a few beers (or more) to loosen them up ... and see if I can''t get sucked into a vortex of my own. Cheers, boys.  
 
 

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