|Carnival Man Whore
Production Company: Legend
Director: No director listed (they
realized that if their name was attached to this movie their career as
a porn director would be over!)
Cast: No actors credited (read below
and you'll find out why!)
Wow... this was the worst piece of shit I've seen in a long time. I think
it wins my title of "worst porn I've ever seen". I'm actually angry
that I wasted 1 hour and 51 minutes of my Saturday morning having to watch it.
If by some unfortunate accident you rent this movie and decide to watch
it, fast forward through the first 21 minutes. It is nothing but
footage of the cast dancing around, throwing confetti in the air,
occasionally pulling out their dicks, trying to re-enact a Carnival
party... and trust me, these guys are worse dancers than they are cock suckers.
The first sex scene (if you even want to call this sex) is between a
really cute, hunky tattooed go-go dancer and some skinny boy. You know
I like my boys a little muscley and tattooed, so I thought watching the
first 21 minutes of this shit was going to be worth it, but
unfortunately, as soon as the two started going at it, I knew I was
doomed. The go-go dancer poorly licks the skinny boy's nipples for
awhile before offering his limp noodle for a blow job. It's no wonder
it takes a bit of time for him to hard. The skinny boy sucks dick worse
than a teenager with braces. This poor excuse for a blow job ends and
the penetration begins. Go-go boy pumps rhythmically and slaps ass now
and then while skinny boy is leaned over the table with no hard on,
looking as thrilled as someone does receiving a rectal exam. Skinny boy
flips onto his back, go-go pumps with the same rhythmic monotony,
skinny boy still no hard on, me still pissed off. Cut over to party to
show boys dancing horrifically,
cut back to regularly scheduled sex scene already in doggy style
progress, still with no boner. Change positions, change positions, bad
come shot, bad come shot. Scene is finished. I'd say thank fucking God,
but unfortunately since the sex is over, it goes back to the dancing
and I found myself asking: what is worse, watching these people have
sex, or watching them dance?
After several more minutes of my life are wasted, the next real sex
abruptly starts. As the camera circles around the dance floor, it
focuses on some guy wearing a mask, boner free of course, sitting on a
friend's dick. One of the dancers comes over, lets him suck his dick
for about 20 seconds and then dances off, taking the camera with him to
show us everyone dancing... yet again. When the camera finally goes back
to the sex, it is over and we see the three people who were briefly
involved in it, jerking off on the couch. The three come and the movie
goes back to... you guessed it... more dancing.
The final sex scene begins with a group of guys jerking off on the side
of the dance floor. It cuts to some dancing, cuts back to them sucking
dick, cuts back to some dancing and then cuts back to one of them
getting fucked as people dance around him and occasionally stick their dicks in his mouth.
They fuck and suck for a bit before the bottom and one of his friends
excuse themselves to a couch away from the festivities. They exchange
horrible blow jobs and then take turns fucking each other. How? I'm not
sure since neither of them seem able to keep a hard on. But they do and
they come, bringing this insult to the porn industry to a close.
As for extras, they sucked too. Of course it had your typical internet
information and still photo section, but who the fuck wants to waste
more time looking at pictures of these awful porn stars?!?
Now, if I come off sounding upset in this review, it's because I AM!
Like I said in the beginning, this movie was a waste of my Saturday morning.
Whoever made this crap obviously needs a good fuck in the a-hole so he
can see how hot man sex truly should be. If you rent this movie after
my review, go fuck your a-hole. And if someone rents this for you after
reading my review, fuck them in the a-hole and tell them they have no
taste in good ole fashioned smut!