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Title: Love & War  
Reviewer: Mr. Fart  
Overall rating: C+
Female looks: B
Male looks: C+
Sex: C+
Plot/Acting: C+
Extras: B
A/V Quality: B


Love and War

(Review Courtesy of www.monicasreviews.com

Hrm, well I guess my fears have come true and Monica wants me to review more DVDs. And, I've been informed that I'm supposed to follow some sort of rating system for my DVD reviews.

What can I say? If I refuse any of these, Monica has threatened to cut off my porn supply!

So, Love and War is a tale that teaches us a valuable lesson. I'm not quite sure what that lesson was, because it wasn't stated clearly on the back of the box. Probably it has something to do Julia Ann teaching her man a lesson, or something.

The movie starts off with Julia Ann quite happy with her relationship, but all her friends' relationships are a mess. I suppose she represents the Love part, while her friends are camped firmly in the Warzone.

The story kinda plods along, we're introduced to the husband, some other characters, etc.

Speaking of plodding, I think the camera crew must have had something set at 3/4 speed, cuz everything happened in slow fucking motion. Julia would pilot her car up the driveway at a snail's pace, she'd slowly creep from her car to the front door of her house, and I could feel myself physically age during the sex scenes. Julia's character also had a habit of addressing the viewer. She'd suddenly look into the camera and blurt out some lame one-liner or tidbit of insight. Kinda weird

Did I mention that the sex is slow? The sex is so fucking slow! Most of the sex seemed to take place in "dreamland" - the characters remember back to when they last stuffed a cock in their mouth. In order to give this a dream-like quality, it's all done super slow. I had to run my player at 2x just to have things appear to go at normal speed!

Speed issues aside, the sex itself was "alright" at best. Love and War appears to be another couples film, which means that there isn't anything cool like pee drinking or multi-cock anal creampies. Mostly it was just regular male-female sex and luke-warm girl-girl sex. I think there was also a male-female-female sex in there too. Nearly every scene featured a condom, which is an increasingly frequent sighting these days. Each sex scene was accompanied by awful techno-ish kinda music. I turned the sound down.

Every so often the sex would be interrupted by Julia's war-torn friends, or her dorky husband. He's sad because he fantasizes about his secretary...I think she's his secretary, I wasn't paying that much attention to this particular plot point. Anyways, he was fantasizing about someone who's not Julia Ann.

The girls all looked pretty good. This is a big budget Wicked production, so all the girls are well upholstered. Aurora Snow and Felix Vicious looked pretty good, some of the other girls would be alright if they didn't have rock hard fake tits.

I have to admit that judging the quality of the guys is where I'm kinda weak. One thing that Love and War had going for it was that for the most part it was possible to pick out individuals. Too often in porn you can't tell one guy from another.

In terms of DVD extras, Love and War wins over Troubled Love (the last movie I reviewed). There were a fair number of galleries, some behind the scenes stills, little video clips, various Web-related shit, trailers, etc. Crappy electronica music followed you everywhere.

All in all I thought this was a better movie than the last one I reviewed, but Monica will have to come up with something a lot more interesting before I start appreciating porn on DVD.

This review was created while listening to:
Mr. Bungle, "Mr. Bungle"
Butthole Surfers, "Independant Worm Saloon"


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