|Title: There's Something About Gary
Overall Rating: D
Female Looks: N/A
Male Looks: D
A/V Quality: F
Date: December 11, 2001
Production Company: Macho Man Productions
Director: Karen Dior
Cast: Trevor, Erik Mann, Shawn Islander, Rocky, Dirk Adams
Karen, Karen, Karen... how do you ever expect to repay me for the last 90 minutes you stole from my life? At first when I saw the title of your film I was excited, thinking that you were going to attempt a spoof on the hilarious comedy "There's Something About Mary". But 5 seconds into your film I realized that I was sadly mistaken. The only thing you spoof in this film is porn itself, as this movie is a poor excuse for one.
There's Something About Gary revolves around Gary, the hottest new rock star that no one can keep their hands off of. It opens with the star talking backstage after one of his concerts with a blonde techie. There is very little dialogue (yet surprisingly tons of bad acting) before Blondie puts the moves on Gary and the cock rubbing begins. Gary gets a mediocre blowjob from his techie and then attempts to return the favor. Unfortunately though the techie must've worked too hard on the sound system during his concert because he can barely get the blood flowing to that pecker of his. (Don't even get me started on guys that can't get hard and yet for some reason still think they can do porn!). A much too long fuck session follows with tech boy topping Gary and then anal beads are pulled out and put in Gary's ass. This is yet another part that is drawn out too long and you never really get a good close up shot of Gary's ass swallowing those beads. Finally the scene draws to a close when the actors mount a double-headed dildo and fuck ass to ass. At first things looked promising, but the actors non-committed groans and weak expressions of pleasures put me off again and made me want this scene to end. Luckily it does after Gary and his fuck friend deliver weak money shots.
The next scene opens with two guys cleaning up backstage. Who are they and what they do? I don't know, they just come in and start cleaning off a table. Maybe they're waiters, we never know. Once again there is very little dialogue before the foreplay begins. The bigger guy sucks on the smaller guy's cock and then vice versa. The smaller guy then bends over for an ass licking. I thought I would at least get semi-erect at this point because you all know I can never
turn away from a good ass munchin', but of course once again I was disappointed. Rather than eating ass, the bigger guy merely spreads the cheeks apart and licks around the boy pink. (Honey, didn't your mom and dad teach you anything? If there's food in front of you... eat it!) The scene then cuts to the fuck part where the smaller guy tops the bigger guy. After about 7 minutes of listening to yet another set of actors fake their way through enjoyment and watching them look off-camera for Karen's direction, they both come and the scene ends.
The final scene begins when Gary opens his closet and finds that he has a stalker hiding in there. Don't forget, he is the hottest new rock star around. The stalker has one line and much to the viewers amusement stumbles his way through it. (Obviously there wasn't enough in the budget for a retake) They move to the bed and the stalker sucks off Gary. In the middle of this scene the shot cuts to both of the actor's feet. The stalker wearing black boots and Gary bare footed. Obviously this was a creative decision and is just more proof of the film's overall genius. There is a lot more suckage on both of the actors part and then finally Gary shoves a dildo up the stalker's ass. And yes ladies, I do mean shove! Just watch the stalker's face and you can tell that Gary needs a crash course in Fuck Your Partner with a Dildo 101. Remember Gary, slow and easy wins the race! Gary then takes his turn getting fucked by a dildo and then finally gets fucked by the stalker. Bad sex, bad sex, dribble of come, end of scene... and thankfully, end of movie.
My biggest gripe about this flick is its overall production quality. Throughout its entirety I felt as though I was watching an amateur video. There was a complete lack of editing and the sound was so poorly done I wondered if at times it would've been better just to turn it off. There were no extras except for poorly done biographies (an ass shot of each actor) and the usual chapter selection. As for the actors, they too appeared as mere amateurs. Each of them seemed uncomfortable throughout their scene(s) and if I saw one more of them look off camera for direction I was going to let out a big ole girlie scream. I mean come on, give my mom a camcorder and let her go to town. I guarantee you'd get better acting, directing and fuckin'!
My New Year's resolution this year is to be more positive about things in life and I'm already really really really trying to be. But with this film I just can't. If you're at the video store and you're itching to blow a load and this is the only thing left on the shelf, go home, spit in your hand, stroke it and save yourself the scaring memory of watching Karen Dior's "There's Something About Gary".
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